Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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