I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Be still, my beating vagina.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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