You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Success! We fucked roommates!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
