Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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