Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
