if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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