I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
