I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
