At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
