i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
