I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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