Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
