remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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