Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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