Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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