You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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