saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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