She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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