I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
