apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Randomize
