My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
