I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
