i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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