My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
