If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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