The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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