Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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