we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
