Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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