I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
