I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
