Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
