There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
