i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
