I am spending my child support on dildos
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
