If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
