Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
