Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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