Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
