im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
