I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
