i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
