and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
