Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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