Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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