a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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