I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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