Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
