I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sorry about my life...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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