I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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